I wish that the times I felt compelled to write weren’t only on the occasions when my heart feels so broken.
The funny thing is, I don’t really have much to complain about. The blessings in my life far outweigh the hardships.
But yet I still have this sinking weight on my chest, my mind still runs circles around the things that cause me so much stress and slowly but surely runs me down to a point where all I can do is sit there and cry.
I just let myself get so caught up on the plans I have and what I want, when I don’t stop to see the bigger picture. It’s not about me, it never was. I may say, “this really isn’t my day”… well of course it isn’t, it’s God’s day. However, I still find it so easy to get caught of in this sea of emotions, to let my own disappointments control every aspect of my mood.
Today, as I went through the motions, I couldn’t help but notice those around me. Not those who were familiar to me, but the strangers. It seemed as though every one I encountered all had the same hard, disapproving stare. No smiles, no kindness. Just bitterness and cold, closed hearts.
I can’t help but reflect on the fact that maybe this was a wake-up call for me, in a way. Although these people seemed to have these harsh expressions, I can’t help but think that maybe, just maybe, it was a reflection of my own character and my own soul. With all the disappointments and hardships thrown my way as of late, maybe it was me that had the bitter expression, and they were just reciprocating.
On a day when nothing goes my way I shouldn’t be grumbling in dismay, but rejoicing in the fact that I know, no matter what, God will lead me down the right path.
Even now, it’s difficult for me to drop my plans. I seem to be a very-schedule-oriented person. I have goals, both short-term and long term. But the questions is do my goals match up with His?
All I know is that I’m sitting here, once again, writing some dumb blog on tumblr whining about my pathetic feelings. I just need to get over it and move on, it’s nothing I’ve never encountered before.
Some days I wish I could be a robot.